So I’ve been in England for the week and I must say, I’m going to cry when I go back home because cursing sounds so elegant here. Really. Calling someone a goddamn prat is just the best.
And these accents, oh god! I could just kiss every man and woman here to get closer to that mouth.
My mother says that fanfiction doesn’t count as reading because “it isn’t nearly as good as the stuff that’s published. You’re not going to find something online that will win a Booker Prize.”
Please reblog if you count fan fiction as reading, or if the fanfiction you’ve read is equally as good as published novels. I want to see the figures.
*crushes mouse while hitting reblog button*
Fan fiction is as much a real story as Lord of the Rings (and I will defend that to death). I recently read a 100,000 count fanfic that literally had me sobbing from emotion, more than any book I’ve read in months. Also: 50 Shades is Twilight fanfic brought to publishing.
girls think having a period sucks but try having to fix your penis discreetly through your pocket
having the insides of your organs shed and come out through your genitals does not compare to having displaced balls sorry
I snorted out loud, at work, eating food. So true.
I’m leaaaving, on a jet plane
…for the UK. Huzzah. I touch down in Manchester on the 1st, for all of a week in the name of work. Is it a bit silly to be so excited? I’m loving this. I’ll get to go again sometime early next year for a personal vaca :D :D
#arthur x eames
'When the gulf between
all the things I need
and the things I receive
is an ancient ocean.
Wide, wild, lost, uncrossed.
Still I maintain there’s nothing wrong with you.
You do all that you do because it’s all you can do.
With a soul full of loathing.
Making it anything other than easy.
With a head full of dread
For all I’ve ever said…
Never to be trusted.
There’s nothing wrong with you.’
(Arthur/Eames domestic violence AU)
(Source: hardigan-miku, via hardigan-miku)
"One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
#holy shit I need to print this out
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
"We’re walking down the street in New York and in New York the paparazzi guys sometimes ride around on bikes and they ride ahead of you and get to the end of the block and start snapping pics and they want to get you picking your nose or whatever.
"So I said to Bateman ‘Let’s have fun at their expense’ and just grabbed his hand. Which he was way too cool with. Sweaty palms, I’ll just say that. I feel like his internal monologue was ‘Finally…!’
"I wanted to make it look like we were just two guys out doing a little afternoon shopping in the Village, which is… actually what we were doing, so who’s the joke on…
"By the way, you can tell by the photo, I’m the top. Obvie." - [x]